Hanging On

The nights are awful. My bed feels empty. Sleep is a constant reminder that something isn’t right. Something, someone is missing. I reach to the other side of the bed only to find an empty pillow. She isn’t there. It’s a habit. I’ve always checked.

Everything that felt normal for the past 5 years is just another reminder. It’s the little things that start to weigh on you, the habits. The comfort of having someone at home. The sound of someone waking up in the morning. Just having their prescience. Now, everything seems quiet. Every chore that she did regularly is now my responsibility. I forget a lot. I can’t seem to get organized. I don’t eat. Partly because I can’t, but also because I don’t remember. There is no routine. It’s happening so much faster than I can adjust. I’m moving. Everything that I thought I was is being erased.

I dwell upon every instance where an act of infidelity could have happened. Each night that she came home late, conversations about someone new, and every moment that we were apart is replayed over and over in my mind. Each one is a terrible article of manipulation, a clue to the cancer that is devouring us. How could I be so naive? How could I not see the symptoms? I’ve never felt so ashamed, so dirty, so violated, and so embarrassed.

Her secret fantasies have now become my haunting dreams. Each one of them is like a vivid movie corrupting my imagination and playing over and over in my head. A fleeting thought….If only I could have been more like them. If only….They are all sick nightmares that leave you feeling impotent, worthless, and betrayed. I feel robbed of what should only be mine, what should be ours.

My heart dropped out of my chest today. I thought I saw him. My blood went cold and a shiver crept down my spine. He looked just like him. Ugh, I don’t know how much of this I can take.

I’ve talked to some people about it. Only a few words really stick out. “It takes two to get a divorce.” “If you remarry it will be in adultery.” Their words are lingering in my ears. Maybe, they were trying to do what’s right. Maybe? Am I just running away from something? I’m just trying to hold myself together. My friends keep telling me that I’ve done all I can, but I can’t seem to make myself believe it.

There’s no need going into work. All I seem to be able to do is stare at the ceiling or lay on the floor. I can’t stop thinking. My mind is overwhelmed. I just can’t process it all. Is that normal? Some days, I’m angry. Some days, I’m depressed. Some days, I’m hopeful but most days I feel hopeless. It’s a roller coaster.

I keep questioning myself but these questions never seem to find answers. Why did I marry her? Why would God allow this to happen? Did he know this was going to happen? Should I have known better? Did I miss something he was trying to tell me?

Days move slowly and painfully. A friend of mine told me that it was like I had died. That’s how it feels, maybe worse. No one knows what to do. They want to help me, but they feel helpless too….

To be continued…

I’ve been sitting on this post for a long time. I’m a little leery about publishing it because I don’t want people to think it’s at all a reflection of my current state. I wrote to remember where I’ve been. Maybe someone else can relate to it. Things can get pretty bad sometimes but this doesn’t have to be the end of our story. It’s just a big speed bump.

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