Thinking Days

I thought it would be fun to read my post. Partly because I’m not a great reader but also because I thought it might be more personal. Let me know what you think. Don’t feel obligated to listen though. I did it in one take so it’s not perfect. Just human. :)

Ben walks into the office and looks at me. “Oh, I can hear the wheels turning.” He says and sits down. “Yeah, they are.” We laugh. They’ve turned a lot lately and sometimes all day. I’m still feeling off, referring to the chicken placebo post. I’m beginning to think that I am a little sick. It’s most likely due to my diet, or lack of. Perhaps it’s the Arizona Teas I’ve grown addicted to. Anyways, no need to solve that problem now.

Last night was full of nightmares. I don’t remember them, but I know they were unpleasant. I woke up with a sore throat, and my wheels were spinning. Please don’t think I’m complaining. I think that these days are a necessity in life, without them how would we know what a good day was. It’s part of being human. Part of learning to be human.

Thinking days usually mean that my work agenda will be skewed. I can’t work without thinking, and when I’m thinking on subjects that don’t involve <?php ?> then I’m useless. Coding demands my full attention. So on these days, I try to do something physical instead, or I write to try and figure myself out. It helps, but I fear it’s not very interesting to read and nowhere near as cool as my thru hike.

My head is a maze. It means well, but good intentions aren’t everything. I may think on one subject for hours. If we were having a conversation you would tell me I was beating a dead horse. I’ve been told that more than once.

I try not to write too much about my faith here. Not because I’m ashamed but because I want it to be more than words. Meet me. Get to know me, and hopefully I will somehow reflect the one I believe in. Does that make sense? No matter. Thinking days are days full of prayer. My prayers are often uncouth. Not the prayer of a saint but that of a human. He knows what I’m thinking anyways, so I might as well shoot straight.

Have you ever seen the movie Hitch? I keep thinking about Albert. “I’ve waited my whole life to feel this miserable.” We watched that recently. It’s a pretty funny movie. Then I hear Ed Sheeran sing, “Just say the words and I will disappear into the wilderness.” The wilderness feels like a perfect place for me. A place where time can pass without me. A place I can’t over think the pop fly. Songs are triggers for more thoughts. Everything triggers something. A chain of thoughts all linked together.

Who makes this world spin anyways? I hear that in my head. “He promised not to leave us and his promises are true.” Oh thank you Andrew Peterson. I feel renewed, reminded. The song ends and for a brief moment I am free. I’m sorry for the hurtful things I didn’t mean. My intentions were good, but my words were poorly executed. I start thinking too far ahead.

It reminds me of the thru hike. That moment when you wonder, why am I doing this. I’ve grown accustomed to that feeling. The process may be the most important part. 97 days of what is nothing less than work. But the hard days were part of the accomplishment. It’s not about it being easy. It’s about the conflict of how you got there.

My mind is slowing down. I know who’s in control. I know He has the best plans for me. It’s worth going through the process. He breaks chains, and knows how to get us where we need to be. So for now, I’ll trust Him. Tomorrow, I may not. But in the end, I will.

Thinking days. I think we all have them on some level. Maybe you’re not as scattered as I am. I don’t know if this will even make sense, but do I ever make sense?