May I Not Forget How Small I Am

Dearest readers,

I am flattered and honored that you would read my posts or that you would even open them. Sometimes I fear that I am letting you down by my lack of adventuring. Is it weird to feel obligated to travel, to feel like I need to go on an adventure? I love doing so, but that’s not entirely who I am. Lately, I’ve found myself longing for the attention an adventure gives. I’ve contemplated thru hiking again. Maybe this time I’ll chase the colorful leaves southbound or maybe I’ll hike the Pacific Crest Trail. All these ideas. I know I can do it. Maybe one day. I just want something that’s worth writing about.

I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. I’ve never been good at keeping an image. I crack. I could never be a rock star because I could not deal with having to maintain that image. Having to be consistent. I’m hardly consistent. I’ve never been good at being someone else and lately I’ve felt like I am.

I’m only an adventurer sometimes. I’m often just as happy playing a Nintendo game or watching cartoons. For my birthday, I’ve already made plans to watch Minions. That’s nowhere near as cool as last years climb up Katahdin. It’s hardly attractive, and for goodness sake I’m a grown man. That’s my point. I can hardly resist a game of Zelda or a good cartoon. I love the adventure of imagination and getting to dive into someone elses fiction. But I feel like I’m letting people down.

True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.
~C.S Lewis

Today I stumbled across this quote. C.S Lewis is one of my favorite authors. If I could have dinner with one person other than Jesus, I’d pick him. I think he’s brilliant. This quote made me think. It doesn’t take much to do that. Lately my thoughts have mostly been about myself and my problems. Maybe it’s “woe is me” or me just picking apart my flaws. But I think Lewis nails it here.

I’ve spent too much time thinking less of myself. I don’t feel like I’m inspiring people. I feel quite the opposite, like I’m letting people down. I’m no longer coaching, I hardly paddle, and I don’t want to hike. I don’t really want to do any of it. I think it’s because I’ve felt obligated. When I’m offering my time freely I love it, but when it becomes a job, an image, then I’m done. It makes me feel like a failure. Only one year and I’m already a retired high school soccer coach! Kind of embarrassing but I just can’t do it. I can’t be that constant. See…thinking less of myself.

Humility is thinking of yourself less. I want to think less about me but I don’t want to be a person who has no self awareness. I want to be very aware of myself but I want to focus less on myself. I don’t know how you fix that. I know it doesn’t happen overnight. So I’m hoping to find some attainables. Something like giving at least one compliment a day, walking with a smile, or maybe I’ll try to have a conversation with the barista at my coffee shop. That’s been a constant lately. I don’t want to miss the little opportunities anymore. My problems are so small in grand scheme of things but they seem so big when that’s all I’m focused on. May I not forget how small I am. It’s nice feeling small. Humbling.

Not sure how to close, but I hope there’s something worth reading in this.