An Unbalanced Force
Disclaimer: It’s heavy. This isn’t a post you want to read, it’s not filled with adventure and pretty pictures. It’s filled with thoughts and things that normal people don’t talk about. Things that some may interpret poorly and say, “You need to go to counseling”. Is it bad that I’m already dreading the Christian comments that I imagine could come. Bible verses and words of encouragement that are all well meant but make me feel like you didn’t take the time to hear what I was really saying. If anything, say “I’ve felt/feel the same”. And therefore, this is me saying “I’ve felt and feel the same. You’re not crazy, just human.” to anyone who understands. It’s just a glimpse of the last few years and part of what I hope to put into the book. So let me end this disclaimer with I’m ok and I’m happy. I’m just dealing with being human.
An object at rest will remain at rest unless acted on by an unbalanced force.
~ Newton Laws of Motion
Every post I write has some kind of driving force behind it. Every thing does. Some sort of catalyst that we have to respond to, if only internally:
“You’re living the dream.”
“I want your life.”
As much as I love these comments and smile endlessly at them, today they are the unbalanced force. I want to try and explain the how and why so you can see that “Living the dream” might be better interpreted: “Learning to live”, “Learning to be free”, or “Finding me.”
When a man looses himself, he has to rebuild that which he lost.
~Paul The Starbucks Conversation
Sometimes, you just know something isn’t right but can’t find the words to express exactly what that something is. You don’t know what it is. It may not reveal itself all at once(probably for the best) but once you start seeing it, it becomes an avalanche that you have to act upon or be buried with. An overwhelming feeling that can seem impossible to deal with. One that sends you to the brink and when you step back from the ledge you find yourself standing there again.
I’m driving down the road. Is it bad that I’m hoping for calamity? I’m ready. I’m ready to go. What if I fall asleep. I daze off and see a tree. What if I lost control? I’m ready but I’m not suicidal. I don’t want it to be self induced. I’m just not afraid. I’m ready. I’m tired. I imagine the life after. I’m not looking forward to heaven in the same way people do. I’m looking forward to peace and quiet. An easy mind and a rested heart. Forgive me for saying I don’t really see myself playing a harp and dancing around with angel wings. That kinda sounds like hell. I don’t know that I want to see my ancestors and I’m not sure I want to be overwhelmed with the glitter of golden streets. That’s a little overwhelming right now. Just give me some rest. Some tranquility.
A heart like this a heavy yoke to bear. I’ve never felt so lost. I’ve grown a forest of love, coaching, business, religion, money, and connection. My life is one to be envied but I’m always fighting my restlessness. I feel like I’m wasting away. On days when I’m not occupied(which seems like most), I come home to play video games or watch TV. When I grow tired of that, I find myself sprawled on the floor staring at the ceiling fan. Alone and restless. I can’t live like this.
Over the past years I’ve tasted bits and pieces of freedom. I taste it when I drive. I taste it when I write, hike, adventure, and meet new people. And so…I decided to chase those pieces and see if I could catch enough to put myself together. It’s an on going process, but one I’m not willing to give up on. I’ve found that the longer I go through this process the more I’m becoming the person I’ve always wanted to be. It feels right. I feel like I’m living.
I’ve sacrificed a lot. I’ve lost a lot. I fear I’ve convinced people I love that I don’t love them anymore. That I’ve abandoned them. I’ve made them feel like I don’t care and it hurts me to think someone may view this as a selfish dream I’m pursuing. Maybe it is. Maybe I’m going the wrong way. Maybe I’ll fail, but I’m willing to accept failure. I don’t want to go through the motions anymore. I want to find that driving force.
Life is a process. A metamorphosis. Everyone’s process is different. And each phase lasts only for a season. Some seasons are longer than others. Maybe your current phase doesn’t look like a drive across the country but that doesn’t make it any less. I’m often envious of the family life. There are few things(if any) I want more than a family, but now is not that time for me.
I hope you can see the thought that I’ve put into my decisions and that I’m not just jonesing for adventure. It’s hard, lonely, and sometimes scary. It seems like I change my mind every day. I’ve got some pretty exciting news about my future plans coming soon! I’m really excited to share them, but I’m going to allow that excitement to settle just a bit.
To me success isn’t about making money, having a family, or impressing people with grand adventures. It’s about going through the process and becoming who you are meant to be. Even if that person is “just normal”. If there is one thing I know, we are all different and therefore there is no such thing as “just normal.”