The Log Out

My mind has been all over the map. Reevaluating goals, life, and all those fun things that come with feeling directionless. But maybe directionless isn’t really how I’ve been feeling. In order to breathe I logged out of Facebook. It’s not that I don’t want to see the people that I love so much, it’s that I feel different tugs when I get lost in the feed scroll. It’s easy to do that when you’re bored, sitting at a coffee shop, waiting, and or have some time to kill. It overloaded my heart. I felt pulled this way and that. I couldn’t hear anything for all the voices. I see friends that I love and long to see. I see politics that make me hate everything and want to run away. Things I don’t thinkĀ  wise and make me want to rant. And other things that I judge too harshly and make me sad. Basically, it makes me feel a ton of feelings and the majority of them are bad. So….[Log Out]…*Click*

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I breathe and the results have been positive. My focus is getting back on track. Simplify. I go to the coffee shop and turn on some tunes. No Facebook. I can focus better now. Afterwards, I head out for a climb. Climbing outdoors is incredible. You learn the rock as you go, discovering little holds, a problem that didn’t seem possible for my skill level start to come together as a group of us encourage one another up the route. Learning the ropes in a very literal way. The rope is your life thread. Oh rabbit trail, I’ll describe this more in a later post. But in short, when I got to Alaska one of my main goals was to learn to rock climb, and now I am!

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Sometimes I wonder if the rocks ever miss me back… #hugitout #rocklivesmatter Belayer: @dwayneparton Photog: Some kid named Chris

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Just a couple weeks off the Facebook and I’m not thinking so hard on past relationships. If they will ever work out or not be weird. It’s not that there is anything wrong with them currently, it’s that the news feed has a way of rekindling thoughts that should not be rekindled. It makes it hard to let go. And sometimes that’s the right thing to do.

I think about a world without such communication. A world where when someone is 10,000 miles away they are just that. It’s not that they don’t live in fond memories. It’s that they are only that and not a continual presence. Facebook makes it easy to keep that connection and not be satisfied with the memory.

The next part I don’t know how to say. “Keeping up with the Jones’s” There are lots of “Jones’s”. “Adventure Jones’s”, “Travel Jones’s”, “Wealthy Jones’s”, “Instagram Jones’s”, “Athletic Jones’s”, and so on. Basically, any ladder you’re chasing to get to the top of a social group. To out do the “Jones’s”. Social media has become a bit of that for me. I love taking photos, but I find I get too focused on gaining a follower. Growing into some sort of “icon”. Yeah right. It was never about that, and yet I’ve felt the pressure of it. That’s not me, I know that. And if you know me, I think that’s evident.

I set out on this journey because I felt like it was what I was supposed to do. I still feel that way, and once again the logout has helped me breath. I still want to tell the story, but I don’t want it to become a tainted form of solicitation. Not to say I don’t have brands I love and want to promote but to say, I want to live genuinely and that’s what I want to share. I want you to see that sweat and effort I’ve put into my lifestyle and the bad parts just as much as the beautiful ones. Please don’t be mistaken by the photographs and the smiles.

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And so, I hope to present things in a real and authentic way. That way if we ever cross pass you’ll know it’s really me. Short story. I took my friend Rachel down to my room to get some spare containers for her road trip. “Don’t judge my room” I say, “It’s a mess.” We walk in, and first thing shes say it. “It stinks. Smells like a dirt bag.” It’s a funny exchange, but it’s the truth. It doesn’t smell that bad, in my opinion, but it does smell like a man, his dog, maybe some b.o, and a lot of outdoor gear. It’s not glamorous, but I love it!

2 thoughts on “The Log Out”

  1. Hello Dwayne!

    First and foremost I wanted to tell you that you are the most genuine person I have ever come across. I know what it’s like being told that over the internet, when all people see is like you said the smiles and the photographs. I really enjoyed this blog & thw fact that you want to show others the not so good parts which make you a human being.

    Although Facebook essentially “connects” people in a way that allows certain memories to linger and others to cherish..I strongly believe that what this world needs is to disconnect to reconnect with themselves.

    I recently went to India qith my college art history class and history class and mostly everyone that went with me was focused on making sure they had wifi to talk to loved ones, post about the amazing experience, take photos to share and to research info about our workbook questions thst were due on the trip. I took this as an opportunity to disconnect and didn’t worry so much about getting homework done. I wanted to emurse myself in my surroundings and fully experience India. I joked throughout the whole trip stating that I would gather all my beautiful photographs I took of the stray dogs in India and create a book to be published. Although I’m not sure I’ll do that, I look back at all the photos I took of them and remember each and every dogs unique beauty regardless of their filth. One of the most diffixult obstacles I faced in India was not being able to pet the dogs because of possible contagious disease or risk of being bit. Moat sensed my love and often followed me waging their tale and smiling back.

    I will never forget my first trip out of the country and can’t wait to experience Alaska. Until then I will live vicariously through your experiences there. I would like to find work/experience working on permaculture farms there.

  2. I will say, knowing you in real life, I can always hear you and see you saying the words you write. We don’t get to talk often but it does make me feel like we are keeping in touch just by reading your posts. I pray for your safety every night and I do hope that you are truly enjoying yourself too!

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